Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
