My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
