Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
