Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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