I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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