I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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