the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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