Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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