"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
