This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
