I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
