I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
