new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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