nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
