I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize