Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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