I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
