I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
