so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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