I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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