I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
