You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
