Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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