Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
