Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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