I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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