Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
you never un-have a 4some
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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