I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
