You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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