I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
