My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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