I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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