I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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