Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
