so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
