Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize