I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
