I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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