Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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