i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize