I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She just used a chaser for red wine.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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