nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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