I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You can't special order awesome
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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