my phone needs a breathalizer
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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