there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
