I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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