"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Randomize
