I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
