i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
this just has baby written all over it
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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