8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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