Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
