You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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