I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize