everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
