I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
