This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
