i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize