I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Plan B is the new Plan A
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
