i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
