so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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