Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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