??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
