I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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