I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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