Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
